I am going through the most glorious list possible about writing.
It's one of those weird things you type into Google in a full, panicked paragraph like, "I LEFT THE LID OFF OF MY BLENDER AND I WAS TRYING TO BLEND MAGMA AND WELL, LONG STORY SHORT THERE IS MAGMA IN MY HOUSE. " And then some blessed soul on Yahoo Answers is like, "Why, I have encountered that many a time, and I used water and sugar to remove the stains." Then people give the answer five stars and you go about your life, now with awesome knowledge about how to remove magma stains!
You know what I'm sayin'?
I've wanted to get into blogging again. So I will be using weird ideas to get the juices flowing and maybe something good will come out.
I liked this idea because I think that I was a pretty adorable kid. And by adorable I mean, what were you thinking, cutting my hair like that, Mom?! But it was the 90s, where fashion was as irrelevant and useless like our fabulous windbreakers.
When I think of myself as a kid, I feel like I had the same brain/thought process/life views as I do now. Now, most of you are probably really alarmed right now because there is no way that my train of thought should be equivalent to five year-old Mally, who would stick her tongue out at her dad when she had to do chores. But I draw some similarities. Which brings me to number one.
1. Rebellion is a RISK, man. A real risk.
Like most children, I had to figure out where the lines were drawn. Could I feed my new puppy ALL of my vegetables and get away with it? Also, what is that weird thing on my plate that looks like the cartoons I saw this morning and also a hamster? The dog needs to eat that, whatever THAT is STAT. (The answer is yes, only if puppy does not barf up said vegetables/foreign food-completely-unidentifiable to me object in front of your parents.) The line was drawn all over the place.
"You can't flip people off because your brothers told you it was an O.K. thing to do."
"You can't yell DAMMIT at your dad's friends because your brothers told you they would think it's funny."
"You can't shove mashed potatoes through a window screen because you like the way your dog's face looks when she eats it."
"You can't rename your cat Pongo because you've recently become obsessed with 101 Dalmatians."
"Just because your brother says he's being nice and 'Made you breakfast' does not mean ANYTHING."
Actually, now that all of those are out there, the line is clear. Do NOT listen to your brothers.
2. You learn some hard truths.
There were cartoons that I enjoyed from time to time, but then, there were my shows which were the bees knees and completed me in ways my little five year-old heart loved. One of them was Blues Clues. Hopefully, all of you are familiar with this show. Steve was the greatest person ever. His eyes basically just looked like sunshine and chocolate all in one and I would ska-doo anywhere with that awesome man. And he had this motto that basically told me, "Mallory Jane, you live your life. And you live it well. You live it however the heck you want." (You can do anything that you want to do.)
Which, at the time, was the biggest ticket to freedom I have ever heard in my life. But the problem was, I was only five, so therefore I hadn't been alive for a very long time.
I remember a particular instance where I was being a child, and my mom was being a mom, and she told me I couldn't do something. I replied with, "STEVE said I can do anything that I want to do." She looked confused and annoyed and asked, "Who the heck is Steve?!" Which made my jaw drop and I exclaimed, "From Blues Clues!" She rolled her eyes. My argument was invalid.
"He's not real. Don't listen to him because he is fake. He is paid to say those things to you."
Ouch.
Later that week, I found out Santa was actually my mom.
3. Actions have consequences.
Little Mally, when you put a needle in front of your dad's bedroom door for him to step on, he will not come out, step on it and yell, "YOWWWWWW!" And then blast off through the roof and land on the moon.
You're going to get your butt beat because you injured someone that you vomited on frequently (and they kept you) just a few short years prior to this incident.
Also, if you sneak up on your kindergarten teacher to play a funny prank and try to scare him, your clumsy undeveloped toddler body will trip over air and get you a black eye. You will also be laughed at by everyone, but it's ok because your teacher will walk you to the office, your mom will pick you up from school, and he will make you laugh at yourself.
4. I am so stinkin' proud of you for watching nature shows and loving them.
Jeff Corwin was a boss. In fact, I think he's still alive. I still remember sprinting off of the bus to watch Jeff Corwin talk about whatever the heck he found in the woods. Also, he taught me really cliche things to say to my brothers when they made fun of me. Like when I was inevitably called four eyes because of my glasses, and Jeff Corwin told me to say, "I DO have four eyes. And four is better than two." (My brother shoved me after I said this, but I felt proud so that's all that matters.)
5. Lying is NOT the answer.
There is this incident. In first grade. To this day, I feel EXTREMELY guilty.
There was this girl in my first grade class who was adorable and sweet, and for whatever reason, reminded me of Eddie Murphey in every single way.
We would joke and play pranks. One day, I pulled her chair out from underneath her and she fell, like they do in movies, only she hit her head and started to cry.
I may have been a little punk when I was a kid, but I HATED getting in trouble and breaking the rules. I panicked and yelled, "THE CHAIR IS SO SLIPPERY!!!" and totally got away with it, because I was kind of a quiet kid and no one suspects the quiet ones until later in life.
I held her ice for her when I walked her to the office, and to this day, we are Facebook friends and she has no idea.
6. If you think it's a fart, it probably isn't a fart.
Once upon a time, I crapped my pants in front of my brother when I was WAY too old to be crapping my pants. I loved to make my brothers laugh, and farts were the tops. So when I thought I was going to release the loudest, funniest fart in history, I had to share it with my oldest brother.
I tried to squeeze it out. He was cracking up. I was yelling horrible things like, "IT'S A LOUD ONE. OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE ONE THAT WILL BLOW THE HOUSE AWAY."
When all of a sudden a very heavy surprise entered my pants, and I had to waddle into the bathroom with my brother laughing as hard as I have ever heard him laugh.
I got the worst lecture ever from my dad which was titled,
"Mallory, you are seven years old. You are WAY too old to be crapping your pants."
"I thought it was a fart."
"I don't even know what to say to that."
These are lessons that were earned, learned and re-learned. I still use them today.
(Especially the one about not crapping yourself.)
With sorcery,
Mally
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