I finally have something good to write about.
And it all started with Twitter. The trending topic was:
#MentionADateYoullNeverForget
...
Instantly, memories of the most awkward, embarrassing (and now hilarious) first attempts at dating I have ever been on come
crashing through my head. There's simply the awkward moments. The Pokemon theme song comes on, which normally initiates
instant brownie points. Until the guy won't let me say anything because he is yelling over the music, "NO NO NO WAIT. THIS IS MY
FAVORITE PART."
But I have one that just tops the cake.
This guy was a nice guy. He seemed like a decent catch to me. He wore polo shirts, that made him a nice guy, right?
My parents adored him. And truthfully, he was nice. He just didn't know anything about dating.
So he asked me on a date, and I said yes. We lived about an hour away from each other, (We met through church, just in case anyone
is out there wondering if I was on Christian Mingle or something when I was 15. I was not. At that time, I was worried about when my
favorite band would be close enough to where my Dad would take me.)
He wanted to take me to Magic Mountain, because it's about thirty minutes away from where he lives. I like roller coasters. Those kind
make me pass out a lot, but I still like them. (it's the weirdest thing, i'll be doing all the typical roller coaster-y things: laughing, screaming, then all of a sudden
I can't see and my head hurts. Worst form of fun ever.) It was supposed to be a group thing. He told me about 8 "couples" were going.
To me, that was fool proof from awkwardness.
My mom dropped me off at the Flying J which is a restaurant/truck stop/gas station/ pretty much they should just turn it into Wal Mart.
She called my date over to the car. She had met him before. She looked him straight in the eye and goes,
"Don't forget to feed her, she'll get cranky and you really don't want to see that." He chuckled nervously.
"I'm serious Look at my face," He looked at her face. It was in fact, serious.
" You look at her, and she's this small, cute person but I swear she eats like a trucker. FEED HER." Could my mom not be any more clear?
Unless you want to see cannibalism happen, make sure I am fed!
He said he would. He looked honest when he said it, so we went on our way.
"The car's over here!" He said and led me to a row of cars.
Sidenote: I am not a judger of cars. I'm REALLY not. But I play "Guess which car he's taking me in." just for lolz.
There was a civic, a small truck, but in the middle of these two cars there was this vehicle unlike any other in this universe.
This "car" if you could call it, was the most beat up, looked-like-a-3-year-old's-art-project type of vehicle.
I kind of laughed inside my head (I do that) and thought, "Well, it's not that one. If i were that one, I would die."
It was that one. I even made it awkward. He went around to open the "door" for me (Half the handle was missing, the door had no pain
and therefore was a different color from the rest of this said vehicle, making it a very, very reassuring death trap.)
Before he did that I made a wise crack like "Haha, very funny. Is it the Civic?"
He looked confused.
"No, uh, this is my friend's car. Did your mom see it?"
"No...why?"
"I'm not sure if she'd let you go in it. Don't worry. My friend is a racecar driver, he built like half of this himself."
HA! You think i'm worried, little do you know, I am currently excepting my inevitable death, because it is happening. Today.
In this car. Because this thing is going onto the freeway.
You couldn't read the brand of the tires, and quite frankly they looked as if they had been baked in an
Easy Bake Oven. But I was brave. I climbed in, dodging some wires sticking out on the floor, (No carpets, of course.) and sat next
to a spring that was popping out of where my butt was supposed to be. I gazed up at the rusted metal, and there was a hole on top
making it a sunroof, without windows. I took a deep breath and reached for the seatbelt, but what I found instead was rope.
Yes, rope. Burnt at both ends so it wouldn't unravel, tie yourself in kind of rope.
I knew I was going to die.
They picked excellent topics for conversations on the way there, and i'm not even exaggerating, they talked about
a) How awesome and reliable the car was.
b) Fat girls that looked like ruffle potato chips.
So, I was silent the entire time because
a) I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die.I'm gonna die..
b) ....Wait, what?? Do i look like a ruffle potato chip? No, I'm not fat...what if I squeeze my belly to look like a ruffled potato
chip? Haha, that's weird. Ok, stop before someone sees.
We made it there in one piece, so my mood instantly perked up a few notches.
I asked when we were meeting up with the others. The response?
"OH.....did I not tell you?? They all backed out. It's going to be the three of us today."
Of course it was! That's not awkward at all, me being on a first date with a guy and his friend from school.
So we awkwardly figured out which guy would sit by me most rides, and then they would trade off.
About 2 hours passed. The hunger was setting in. PS, it was lunchtime. Who doesn't eat at lunch time?
Crazy people, that's who.
I decided that these were not the men to be left in charge of my stomach. I had to do this myself.
So I was casual.
"So uh, anyone getting hungry?"
"Nah." Came immediately from the boys.
This is what my brain said: I DO NOT CARE. I NEED FOOD. I NEED CHEESEBURGERS. NOW. AND WHEN I GET SAID FOOD
I AM GOING TO HIT YOU WITH IT, BECAUSE YOU WERE WARNED.
This is what I said, "Well, there's a 2 hour wait for this ride, why don't we eat, and then we'll be all digested and happy when we're
all ready to get on the ride!" They looked at each other, and agreed.
We were standing next to a pizza restaurant, and judging by the fact that it was Magic Mountain, I'm pretty sure their pizza was
made from flatulence and taco seasoning packets. But I didn't care.I wanted food and I wanted it now.
"Do you want to eat here?"
"Yes!" I said a little too happily
"Actually," his friend butted in and I instantly hated him, because actually is actually the worst word in these circumstances, actually,
"I need to get fitted for a tux, my dad's wedding is tomorrow. Let's go there and go eat at the mall about twenty minutes from there."
I tried to hide the utter despair that flooded my thoughts, my heart, and my stomach. But I could not eat despair.
So we journeyed off back to Hell: on wheels and we drove off.
We went to the tux shop. There was a Mexican restaurant right next door.
"Why don't I eat while you guys are doing your tuxedo thing?" Hint. Hint hint.
"Haha don't be silly, this will take about five minutes."
Oh, how I wish I could have trusted him.
I do not remember anything about that store other then it literally took one hour and forty-seven minutes, because he got fitted,
and then his dad called and goes, "Hey, I have your tux covered, your mom sent me the sizes from formal. You don't need to get fitted today."
But me, being the angry hungry monster I was, heard
"Hey, we spent almost two hours in this store for nothing because I'm not responsible. PS, i'm not even your date."
I was about ready to cry at this point. We had reached that dreaded mark. The five hour mark, where I lose concept of reality
and could basically eat a hippo at this point.
We got to the mall 20 minutes later. I then confessed how hungry I was and used all of my energy to sprint to Sbarro.
He didn't pay for me and I ate two pizza slices, three breadsticks, and a large soda.
You know what they did? They sat there eating their wussy meals and said things like,
"Wow. You eat a lot. How do you stay so small? You REALLY eat a lot of food." (Again, not exaggerating.)
Aaaaamd that's it. I don't remember the rest of the date because I had eaten.
A fed Mally is a happy Mally. Literally, 90% of my grumps come from lack of hunger.
And a couple years later, me and this guy became close friends. And he asked me about my worst date ever.
And I told him this exact story. Didn't tell him at first that it was him, told it like you're reading it now.
A couple months later, he surprised me with flowers, took me to dinner, paid for everything, I never touched a door, and there
were no awkward third wheels.
SO at least this has a happy ending, sorta.
Hope you enjoyed!
